Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
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My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Monday
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?