This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
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When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
mom had nothing to worry about
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts