Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
You Might Also Like
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.