me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
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Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.