coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
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It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”