I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
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Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.