The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
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me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem