My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
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A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.