Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
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Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
No, YOUR illiterate.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.