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If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.