You Might Also Like
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.