[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
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Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
don’t we all
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Bros before Ohioes
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.