Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
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“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Does your wife know you’re single?
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Meowchelangelo
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…