I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Uh oh…
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
But that’s none of my business
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.