If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
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I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Morning all.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.