4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
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[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.