I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
You Might Also Like
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*