My daily affirmation
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I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
If you want my opinion ask my wife
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.