Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
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I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
The best shot in the history of golf
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows