imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
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ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.