I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
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Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Strange
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*