husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
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It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Awwwww shit.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
🤣🤣💀
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)