Why are bridges so flammable.
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Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
2 years later
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.