So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
You Might Also Like
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!