I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
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me opening up to someone
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately