[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
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He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
<- sleeps well with others
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…