him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
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My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Y’all ready for this
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Accurate
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions