by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
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if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I don’t know what to do
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Jokes on them. I took 10.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer