Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
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When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
are they though??
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.