ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
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[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.