Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
You Might Also Like
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.