Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
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[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.