God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
You Might Also Like
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.