[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
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Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
This is enough internet for the day.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…