him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
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Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
True statement👍😏😁
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I’m listening
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Saw online –
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.