god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.