My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
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KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!