My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
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No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Happy Star Wars day!
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.