You Might Also Like
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Mad Max: Furry Road
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I hope this email finds you in a well
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.