this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
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I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
welcome back
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely