I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
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Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.