Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
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Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.