I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
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Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
i love modern commerce
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”