If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
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Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Its a hippotatomus
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.