You Might Also Like
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
just having fun
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Damn what did I do next
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!