This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
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Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I don’t make the rules sorry
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.