*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
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A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
damn he’s good
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Things will get butter, keep churning
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.