WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
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horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Safety first
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.