If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
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GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.