INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
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spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Not all heroes wear capes.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.